You're smack bang in the middle of an endless flat scrubland that is criss-crossed in all directions by dirt tracks. This is the Serengeti, a 30,000 square kilometre savannah wilderness in Tanzania, Eastern Africa. It's not your natural habitat. As far as the eye can see you're surrounded by dust, tinder dry grass, and the odd flat, shadeless tree. There's no asphelt, no road signs, no shops, and not even a bar of mobile coverage. When your jeep unexpectedly lurches to a sudden stop your first thought is:
- This [[can't be good.]]
- Lucky I prepped with the [[lion taming simulator.]]
- I'm the [[master species dude,]] I've got this.
Thing is...
Lions spend a lot of time lazing about, so if they're sitting down, there's half a chance they're not too fussed about you. But, there's always a [[but...]]
Lucky indeed because big, bold simulated taming masters can bravely do what real lion tamers do, like:
1) [[beat,]]
2) [[bribe, or]]
3) [[bond]]
(text-colour:grey)[You're right, it's not.]
Taking a wild ride in a broken down jeep is a perilous game. It's as if your 4 wheels are auditioning for a role in a black comedy, only somebody forgot to laugh. As you pop the hood, you can't help but imagine the local wildlife circling in for a feast, with the main course being yours truly.
- Lucky you prepped with the [[lion taming simulator.]]
- And, besides, you're the [[master species dude,]] you've got this.There's one question you really need to be ask yourself right now.
Is that a [[walking]] or [[sitting|Who passage]] lion over there?
ZuluZoogads! You're the lucky recipient of Amburgh's crowbar!
[[Gimme here]] | [[Got anything less brutal?]] | [[Who's Amburgh?]]
About that, let's say... there's a [[right|bond]] way and a [[wrong]] way to do something.
You paid a lot of money to buy Van Amburgh's crowbar in the first place, let alone bring it with you all the way over here to Africa. That's antique that one, goes all the way back to the 1850s when that circus trooper Amburgh was a full blown star and all, and fair sneakin' little chilren and fluffy little lambs with him into them freakin' lion's cages...and getting away with it! He always said it was our God given right to rule the roost and he weren't afraid to push his point and make those hungry lions learn who's boss the hard-hard edged way. Hell, you figure if a man's gonna put their head in a lion's mouth, just like that Amburgh did then he's likely gonna need a crowbar handy - so you got yours for sure. It might be heavy in your hand, but you're grateful it's there alright.
When the twig snaps behind you, you fair [[swipe the belting daylight right out of that big ol' sky]]Lion Taming 101:
Isaac A. Van Amburgh (1808–1865) introduced jungle acts into the circus.
In his classic, cocky, brute force kinda way Van Amburgh quickly rose above his humble beginnings as a cage-cleaner in the Zoological Institute of New York, (1808–1865). He became famous for his acts of daring, like placing his head inside the jaws of a wild cat. Confident in what he believed was man's God given right to dominate all beasts, Van Amburgh's habit of fervently beating them into submission (with a [[crowbar,|Gimme here]] for example), earnt him the title "The Lion King."
He died a wealthy man.
And he was a [[jerk.]]Fun facts:
You can ride a tamed lion in (text-colour:orange)[''Minecraft,''] chase lions in(text-colour:red) [''Lion Chase,''] punch lions in the face in (text-colour:orange)[''Felt Trip Circus VR,''] shoot mecha lions in (text-colour:orange) [''Death Stranding VR,''] prove yourself in (text-colour:red)[''Wild Lion Simulator''], opt to be a Katanga, Black, Transvaal, American, Barbary, Asiatic, Eurasian Cave Lion, West African, Congo East African lion roaring, stalking, dodging, goring and generally malling other wild beasts in the (text-colour:red)[''Animal Game Simulator 3D,''] and scavenge for lion remains in (text-colour:orange)[''Animalica.'']
So why is a lion taming simulation master [[belting the sky?]]The last person who tried to pummel a lion with their bare fists ended up shredded? Are you sure you don't want that [[crowbar?|Gimme here]]
Once upon a time, there was a [[tiny lion cub.]] Fun Facts:
Van Amburgh would dowse himself in blood before thrusting his head into the lion's mouth....he'd also take sheep, and little children into the cage with him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Victoria liked Van Amburgh so much that she commissioned the artist Edwin Landseer to paint him looking sort of weirdly regal amongst beasts, minus his [[crowbar.|Gimme here]] (swapped for a lamb).
<img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3c/Landseer.amburgh.jpg" \ , style="max-width: 100%;">
It comes back to this: big, bold simulated lion taming masters can bravely do what real lion tamers do, like:
1) beat (text-colour:orange)[(Nah, you tried this, the sky might be black and blue, but the lion is just [[behind you]]).]
2) [[bribe, or]]
3) [[bond]]
Raaah, hello [[cat food|belting the sky]]!(text-colour:grey)[Humans = 150 pounds of fresh] [[meat,]] and err...lions can often be found slurping thirstily in safari park bathrooms (just so you know) ...and err, if a lion is [[hungry]] because their prey has been depleted due to human activity and loss of habitat, well then...
(text-colour:grey)[Lions kill an estimated 200 people per year in Africa. ]
Yep, lions sometimes eat lions, but mostly they just kill them in [[boss fights.]]
As for every other vulnerable living thing, they're sneaky. The sick, the elderly, loners and babies are easy game... Basically, your lion bribery efforts could hit jackpot with a baby elephant, but there's some things you just don't want to see on the [[Savannah|bribe, or]].... (and yes, (text-colour:magenta)[one passage in this 'wrong' game was written by chatgpt] (text-colour:orange)[(which one?),] but no, chatgpt didn't sneakily write anything else, but so loving [[chatgpt]] right now!)
<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ADCreHc0Ou2PirgwMFHajD2LrmrXwKHS3O0JawWLWaKpMmkwjhPHPbVH4_rDdohJL1l5hiAjQ3AMlu-Wq_RYAIPsEWt5BgwtJAnBETqOMCBcUNIAnWsNwyK7=w2400" \ , style="max-width: 100%;">
Sometimes chatgpt is the coolest thing...can somebody [[please go tell the lions now?|baby lion]]
A rustling in the grass nearby catches you attention. You freeze, every sense on high alert. Out of the shadows emerges a majestic, golden-maned lion. Its sleek, muscular body moves with grace and power, the late afternoon glow catching in its piercing [[amber eyes]].
Or, how about a [[baby elephant]]? A [[baby lion]]? None handy?
Of course [[YOU]] are a large amount of meat. Straight up, please don't test this on real [[animals!|meat.]]
<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ADCreHcHAZeG8uMFX5JIUHO-94Byn9GeM6vibGAw5OgskxMEhvafo25hv2m1EHFFPe1-xjAtv43810lp_Oa__hn2ltRWVgZMNIua83ncVxaivJa17dDlL-jb=w2400" \ , style="max-width: 80%;">
(text-style:"italic")[//(From a viral photo, copied out of context, source unknown)//]Choose your bribe: (cycling-link: "Buffalo", "Buffaloes kill more people than lions, you sure about that?", "Antelopes", "Antelopes with twirl horns and skylark jumps, you sure about that?", "Crocodiles", "Jaws of the Savannah, you sure about that?", "Giraffes", "BTW, a giraffe can behead with a single kick!!", "Hippopotamus", "Turf wars on the river bank, careful not to slip!", "Rhinocerus", "If they're not poached into extinction already...", "Wild hogs", "Always good to have staples", "Hyenas", "Dude, predator = bad bugs..you know this!", "Wildebeests", "A honky honk choir, just how hungry are you?", "Leopards", "You forgetting the bad bugs?!", "Zebras", "Stripes, you sure abou that?", "Tortoises", "You like that shell?", "Cheetahs", "BAD BUGS!", "Hares", "If you've gotta eat, you gotta eat", "Lizards", "You getting desperate now?", "Snakes", "Yep, desperate", "Mice", "Really, really desperate", "Vegetables", "Also life, also not happening!", "Birds", "Still hungry?")
Do you ever feel stuck in a cycle of [[life eating life?|bribe, or]]
<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ADCreHc7lj2IySrfgtC5zewD9W4N2jtCe7MxEBI5IHyJP26HKwXdMsNplumU05lKLrMHGSF1WrZROy1Qy8UxOCOh6C8_SRjFs_ZxGairqeSUs5LMFP3RLJYG=w2400" \ , style="max-width: 100%;">
Cool, [[got it!|bribe, or]]<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9PQ7obwuaYg?si=2a6GLcA1i5rj_kbq" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Trigger reassurance as the video loads:
No actual lions are killed in this [[ambush.|wrong]]
(text-style:"italic","subscript")[Lions can be Jerks, uploaded by Baba Ghanoush.]
Boss fights are a big part of a lion's life:
* A lion's roar can be heard five miles away.
* Male lions will kill off the competition of their own sons
* So, young male lions often have to leave the pride, or be killed.
* To survive they must take over their own pride by killing another boss lion, and maybe their cubs too.
* Otherwise, if they submit...they might just be able to join another pride, and survive.
(text-colour:grey)[If it's dark..don't go out, just don't] [[(just so you know).|wrong]]Choose your bribe: (cycling-link: "Buffalo", "Buffaloes kill more people than lions, you sure about that?", "Antelopes", "Antelopes with twirl horns and skylark jumps, you sure about that?", "Crocodiles", "Jaws of the Savannah, you sure about that?", "Giraffes", "BTW, a giraffe can behead with a single kick!!", "Hippopotamus", "Turf wars on the river bank, careful not to slip!", "Rhinocerus", "If they're not poached into extinction already...", "Wild hogs", "Always good to have staples", "Hyenas", "Dude, predator = bad bugs..you know this!", "Wildebeests", "A honky honk choir, just how hungry are you?", "Leopards", "You forgetting the bad bugs?!", "Zebras", "Stripes, you sure abou that?", "Tortoises", "You like that shell?", "Cheetahs", "BAD BUGS!", "Hares", "If you've gotta eat, you gotta eat", "Lizards", "You getting desperate now?", "Snakes", "Yep, desperate", "Mice", "Really, really desperate", "Vegetables", "Also life, also not happening!", "Birds", "Still hungry?")
Do you ever feel stuck in a cycle of [[life eating life?|bribe, or]]Choose your bribe: (cycling-link: "Buffalo", "Buffaloes kill more people than lions, you sure about that?", "Antelopes", "Antelopes with twirl horns and skylark jumps, you sure about that?", "Crocodiles", "Jaws of the Savannah, you sure about that?", "Giraffes", "BTW, a giraffe can behead with a single kick!!", "Hippopotamus", "Turf wars on the river bank, careful not to slip!", "Rhinocerus", "If they're not poached into extinction already...", "Wild hogs", "Always good to have staples", "Hyenas", "Dude, predator = bad bugs..you know this!", "Wildebeests", "A honky honk choir, just how hungry are you?", "Leopards", "You forgetting the bad bugs?!", "Zebras", "Stripes, you sure abou that?", "Tortoises", "You like that shell?", "Cheetahs", "BAD BUGS!", "Hares", "If you've gotta eat, you gotta eat", "Lizards", "You getting desperate now?", "Snakes", "Yep, desperate", "Mice", "Really, really desperate", "Vegetables", "Also life, also not happening!", "Birds", "Still hungry?")
Do you ever feel stuck in a cycle of [[life eating life?|bribe, or]]Lucky indeed because big, bold simulated taming masters can bravely do what real lion tamers do, like:
1) [[beat,]]
2) [[bribe, or]]
3) [[bond]](text-style: "shudder")+(text-color: orange) [''RAAAH!''] Hello HUMAN CAT TREATS!
[[Back|master species dude]]Thing is...
Lions spend a lot of time lazing about, so if they're sitting down, there's half a chance they're not too fussed about you. This one is stretched out by the river, licking their paw.
[[Call out, to check if they've seen you.]]
[[Hypnotise them, using your special powers.]]
They have now. (text-style: "shudder") [RAAH,] [[hello cat food!|but2]]It comes back to this: big, bold simulated lion taming masters can bravely do what real lion tamers do, like:
1) beat (text-colour:orange)[(Nah, you tried this, the sky might be black and blue, but the lion is just [[behind you]]).]
2) [[bribe, or]]
3) [[bond]]
So, you reckon if a girl as young as five can hypnotise at least five animals on live TV (check it out below) you have (text-colour:orange)[GOT THIS!] Anything a five year old can do with a whisper, a (text-colour:orange)[supremo cat tamer] can ace with their eyes closed, right? So (text-colour:yellow)[super scary paw licker,] get ready for some tonic immobility!
[[Say what?]]
[[Yep, lion looks good to go.]]
[[First off, breathe in.|First off, breath in.]]
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8fnrWBorE98?si=CHJ-Wg5JHm5S3tjz" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Video //5 year old Chinese girl hypnotizes
5 kinds of animals in reality show// uploaded to YouTube by //Great Videos//(text-colour:cyan)[Tonic immobility = apparent death!]
It's like this...big scary predator approaches, you play dead, and hope they go away.
This [[trance like state]] can sometimes be induced by [[flipping animals]] on their back.
[[back|Hypnotise them, using your special powers.]] Thing is...
Lions spend a lot of time lazing about, so if they're sitting down, there's half a chance they're not too fussed about you. This one is licking their paw.
(text-colour:red)[~~Call out, to check if they've seen you.~~ Nah, no second chances dude...that is...unless you're the] [[MASTER SPECIES DUDE!|Start]]
[[Hypnotise them, using your special powers.]](text-colour:orange)[Flipping a lion!?] (text-style: "shudder")[RAAH!], [[hello cat food!|Hypnotise them, using your special powers.]](text-colour:magenta)[Please don't try this on real animals, it's stressful for them, and potentially dangerous for you! ]
[[back|Say what?]]
Flipping a lion? (text-style: "shudder") [(text-colour:orange)[RAAAAH,]] hello [[cat food!|Hypnotise them, using your special powers.]]Dude, it's simple, just think like for like...
You concentrate on the lion and [[breathe in slowly.]]
Think like for like now dude..
You concentrate on the lion and breathe in slowly.
Imagine the lion stretched out calmly.
Hold your breath for ten seconds,
keep imagining the lion calm and content.
Concentrate
Breathe out and let all your fears disappear.
Send your fearless, peaceful thoughts to the lion.
Good lion.
Calm lion.
Peaceful lion.
Now close your eyes and look away slowly..
Repeat. [[Repeat.|Repeat2]]Think like for like now dude..
You concentrate on the lion and breathe in slowly.
Imagine the lion stretched out calmly.
Hold your breath for ten seconds,
keep imagining the lion calm and content.
Concentrate
Breathe out and let all your fears disappear.
Send your fearless, peaceful thoughts to the lion.
Good lion.
Calm lion.
Peaceful lion.
Now close your eyes and look away slowly..
Repeat. Repeat. [[Repeat.|Repeat3]]
(text-style: "shudder")+(text-color: orange) [''RAAAH!''] Hello HUMAN CAT TREATS!
<iframe src="https://soundspunos.com/uploads/files/2017-09/1504517217_ryk-lva.mp3" allow="autoplay"> </iframe>
[[Or, rewind?|Run3]]
You concentrate on the lion and breathe in slowly.
Imagine the lion stretched out calmly.
[[Hold your breath]] for ten seconds...
Imagine the lion stretched out calmly.
Hold your breath for ten seconds...
Keep imagining the lion calm and content.
[[Concentrate.]]
Breathe out and let all your fears disappear.
[[Send your peacefulness to the lion.|Send your fearless, peaceful thoughts to the lion]]
Sending peace...
[[Good lion.]]
Good lion. [[Calm lion.]]
Good lion. Calm lion. (text-style: "shudder")[[Peaceful lion.|Repeat3]]
Oh, no, (text-colour:grey)[...a skeptical lion. ERM,] ...and if that's not working. ''
Whatever you do don't (text-style: "shudder") [[RUN!|Run3]]''[[Good lion.]]Faced with the full terrifying realisation that cats might just rule the world afer all (not to mention all those pesky, clawing memes you've been subjected to over the years!) you ask yourself: Are you ready to stop being the master species now and declare the King of the Jungle, the master of all?
[[No way, a supreme master species KNOWS WHEN TO RUN!|RUN!]]
[[But, what else to do?|Start]]
(text-colour:grey)[You're right, it's not.]
Taking a wild ride in a broken down jeep is a perilous game. It's as if the engine is auditioning for a role in a black comedy, only somebody forgot to laugh. As you pop the hood, you can't help but imagine the local wildlife circling in for a feast, with the main course being yours truly.
- Lucky you prepped with the [[lion taming simulator.]]
- And, besides, you're the [[master species dude,]] you've got this.There's one question you really need to be ask yourself right now.
Is that a [[walking]] or [[sitting|Who passage]] lion over there? (set: $name to (prompt: "What's their name?", ""))
$name is an orphan.
When you first see him his ribs stuck out like brittle twigs. His tiny, dusty paws are barely able to hold his own weight.
[[You leave him to his own devices.]]
[[You nervously pick him up, half scared he might break.]]
It's 2020, during that unforgiving first summer of a long and bitter drought. The Serengeti is a treacherous death plain. Between the drought and a horde of hungry predators, life in the park is desperate. Your job is to patrol the park borders, trying to protect the animals from all the poachers wriggling out of the woodwork now that all the tourists are self isolating somewhere else. In a 30 000 square mile national park!
Predators are everywhere and it's a miracle that $name has even lasted this long.
You pick $name up and [[take him home.]]
You heard the cub's pitiful cries and refused to go up to him at first, lest a jealous lioness pounce down upon you, enraged, or your smell on the cub's fur spurs her to abandon him anyway.
You know not to interfere. (text-colour:red)[Normally you're the first to complain: "That's nature. Life and death are the cost of being free. The wilderness would be much better off if we could all respect that and just leave it alone."]
The cub didn't have long. The only thing you had to do was walk away.
Yet, there was [[something about that spark|You nervously pick him up, half scared he might break.]] in the cub's eyes.
You tell yourself you're just gonna nurse $name better, and release him straight out on the wilderness again. At least that's what you tell yourself when you're not worrying how hard it will be for $name to ever be able to return to the wild without the survival skills that animals can only ever get by growing up out there in the first place.
When you read the stats your heart drops.
[[10% of lion cubs die before they're one years old.]]
[[25 - 50% of lion cubs die before they're one years old.]]If only life was that kind for lions.
[[Back|take him home.]]...and that's with a whole pride looking out for them.
[[Back|take him home.]]His cries sound pitiful, more like a drowning bird than a lion. It's tempting to help, but you know not to interfere, lest a jealous lioness ripts into you, or your smell spurs her to abandon the cub anyway.
Normally you're the first to complain (text-colour:green)["Life and death are the landscapes of the free. The wilderness would be much better off if we could all respect that and just leave it alone."]
The cub doesn't have long, but that's nature. You remind yourself that the only thing you have to do now is walk away.
Yet, there's [[something about that spark|You nervously pick him up, half scared he might break.]] in the cub's eyes.
$name desperately needs milk. Minus one mamma lioness you doggedly search how to make lion cub formula only to find this, (link: "//I’ve heard of formulas that need two chemists and a witch doctor to make.//")[(goto-url: 'https://vetspace.2ndchance.info/hand-raising-wild-non-domestic-and-exotic-cats/#:~:text=Both%20cow%20and%20goat%20milk,needs%20are%20just%20too%20large.')] but buried amidst all the voodoo concoctions online you manage to find at least one, actually helpful recipe:
[[Kitten formula]]
[[Raw cow's milk from the farm]]
[[160ml cow’s milk, 10 ml heavy whipping cream, 1-3 large egg yolks, 30ml gelatin powder, 30 ml sunflower oil with a calcium and a vitamin supplement.]]
No, no, NO PURRS for you..
[[Back|take him home.]]Maybe, if cubs were cows, that might even work..maybe
[[Back|take him home.]]No sweat. You can manage that.
It's the next bit of advice that makes you gulp.
Sickly cubs need to be fed every two hours, dusk till dawn!
[[OK then...]]You cancel all your shifts.
Every two hours without fail you test the temperature on your wrist and gently guide the bottle to $name's mouth
You're relieved when he finally starts to guzzle it down. Maybe he's going to make it after all? There's that spark in his eyes again, like a fiery red planet crossing the Savannah skies.
When $name shivers, you buy a hot water bottle and blanket
When you wash $name's mangy, flea-ridden baby fluff you dry him carefully with a (not too hot) hair dryer.
When $name lays his head in your lap...
[[You tickle his ears.]]
[[You pat his back.]]
[[You can't help yourself, you hug him with all your might.]]
$name turns over on his back and looks up lovingly
You take turns rubbing his ears and his belly, listening to his purrs.
[[You pat his back.]]
[[You can't help yourself, you hug him with all your might.]]
[[You become increasingly invested]] in $name's care.This defines the new routines of your life, every night you pat $name's back until he slowly closes his eyes, purrs, yawns like a newborn and falls fast assleep.
[[You tickle his ears.]]
[[You can't help yourself, you hug him with all your might.]]
[[You become increasingly invested]] in $name's care.He hugs back, almost bowling you over. The two of you hug and scramble over the floor like twins, you laughing so much more now.
[[You tickle his ears.]]
[[You pat his back.]]
[[You become increasingly invested]] in $name's care.Eventually $name weans off milk, and it's time to start feeding him [[meat.|livegame]]
You try out especially imported canned food for lions, but apart from the price tag you can't help but notice that $name looks lacklustre.
You know why.
$name's a lion cub and lions need to catch and kill meat too. $name needs live game.
You can't do it. You buy kilos and kilos of freshly slaughtered cow bones, but still somehow it doesn't work. $name looks lacklustre.
You can't do it, but you have to. Eventually you buckle. You still haven't given up the idea of maybe, just maybe releasing $name back into the wild. Live game is an essential and unavoidable part of that dream. Plus, it keeps $name happy.
You buy a mini farm, proper fencing and plenty of (cycling-link: "Rabbits", "Mice", "Chickens", "$name perks up", "but soon flags", "Rabbits", "Mice", "Chickens", "$name perks up", "but soon flags")
Soon your new best friend is so strong that every hug knocks you to the ground.
[[It's time.]]
That's why you're here. $name won't survive out here on his own. You know that.
So here it is...after months of doing your best you've finally found a place where $name can roam relatively free; no longer alone. Here, he can be part of a rehabituated pride. His new forever home may even become the birthplace of his own cubs who WILL eventually be released to the wild.
You've brought $name here for short stints. You've watched him watch the other lions.
The first time he approached one you watched it on webcam, gripping the steering wheel of your jeep so hard it could well have broken into pieces and you woudn't have blinked an eye. $name survived, and so did you, just.
And now it's time to say goodbye, because for this to work $name needs to be a lion, not a pet.
When $name sees you he's frenetic. He knocks you off your feet with such force you're almost knocked out, but you don't mind. You hug each other one last time, laughing and crying, until at last you turn away. $name follows you for a moment, until a lion roars in the distance. He turns to follow the sound. Neither of you look back.
The sun is low on the horizon, casting long shadows across the golden grasslands. The sky, usually a brilliant canvas of colors at sunset, is painted in muted tones. The gnarled branches of a solitary acacia tree look still and lifeless. On the ground, the parched earth is cracked and split under the relentless African sun. The drought is desolate now, but at least here $name can survive.
[[You manage to get the car started again, and drive on.|Start]]